My Innermost Thoughts From My Diary

Sharing a piece of my brain is a scary thing especially right out of a diary.  I am not going to censor anything other than names. Every last cell in my body screaming at me to stop. However, I believe I am not the only one who feels this way. I hope to share a piece of my brain to show others my thoughts, and they are not alone if they have a crazy brain like mine.

This takes place almost a year ago nearing the end of high school.

May 8, 2017

Monday. I made it through. The fire is within me burning at everyone. I shut my mouth so I don’t snap at my parents and say everything sprinting through my brain. I hate it. It won’t stop going through different scenarios and things that have happened to me in the past. 

One of my highlights of the day was walking around a park and seeing my friend Jodie. It warmed my heart when we ran past each other giving each other high fives. 

I miss musical. It gave my body and brain something to focus on for hours. Now, I’m going crazy at school. I am stuck and need to escape. Every is just making me mad. I’m trying to keep in mind I will never see these people again in 3-4 weeks. Thank God. I need out now. Don’t get me wrong, I love people and highschool; however, it’s time for a change. I’ve gotten too comfortable. This routine is killing me.

I picked a topic for my research project. It’s on chemical dependencies. I was inspired by a few things. First, I love caffeine. Secondly, my mom is on medication that she says, “suppresses her feelings”. I am strongly against her doing this. 

It makes me so mad! Furious! Everyone hurts. Every. person. in. this. world. hurts. Physically and Mentally. Not one day is 100% pain-free. People need to find a way to get through the day. I do. Yes, I’m sad all the time, but I don’t take pills to suppress my emotions. I don’t understand. If I’m that fucked up where are my pills to make me happy. Words don’t show how strongly I hate her for taking medication. If she takes it then so should I. But, she won’t give me any nor will a doctor prescribe me. I’m dealing with it and so should she.  

If you can’t feel the full side of pain then I am certain you can not feel the full side of happiness. 

-End of Diary Entry

I have nothing else to say. This is raw, unedited me and the thoughts that went through my brain one day not so long ago.



The roommate

Screenshot_20180216-110233“We were two different girls from two different worlds, and we were about to live with each other for a year”

Currently, I am a freshman in my second semester at a university. So far, this year has been everything people said it would be. I have experienced so many new things. I’ve also failed at a lot in one semester.

To start college off, I had no clue who my roommate was coming into college. I picked a room, and she picked mine randomly. As any young person would do, I went to Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I thought I was in for it as soon as I saw her Instagram. This girl is nothing like me. I am from the Northeast. She is from the Southeast. She likes anime and animals. I like comedy and cleanliness. To make the contrast clearer, she was borderline goth, and I was friends with the preppy people in high school. We were two different girls from two different worlds, and we were about to live with each other for a year.

Move in day was hectic as it is in movies. Both of us made polite conversation, and I, of course, was being my usual, sarcastic self trying to break the ice by saying stupid shit. I probably freaked her out. We did everything together the first two days because we both knew no one except each other.

One night, our dorm had an ice cream social with everyone in the building. Casually, we started talking to a group of guys while bonding over our melted food. It was an instant connection. Later we ended up going to a party with them. In 2017, once you party with someone, you usually stick together afterwards. Our college friend group was made that night. My roommate and I were instant best friends after that party. We bonded over these crazy anime-loving guys and how much they drank/puked. However, that is another story.

We still do not have anything in common. Our likes and dislikes are almost the exact opposite, but we are both girls going through life at the same university. It is still crazy how little you can have in common, but still be very close.



Foolish Freshman

Think back to freshman year of high school. For me, that was four years ago, but it feels like a lifetime ago. I was a foolish freshman hoping to have my first kiss, go to a real party, find love, and figure out who I am. Social media depicted high school that way and I believed that to be true.

Four years later I wouldn’t change a thing. I know now every failure I had  helped me learn something. However, it pains me to see the vicious cycle of high school mistakes being repeated over and over again.

They teach us not to drink and do drugs. I was never taught how to be confident in myself. I was never told you don’t need a guy or anyone but yourself to find happiness. How can I be taught not to do bad things when the reason why most people go down that path is because of not being right with one’s self?

Then I start to wonder, can you really be taught that? Or is it something everyone must learn on their own? I don’t have the answer.


Alone doesn’t always mean sad


There is a big misconception that people who live by themselves, have a table for one, and aren’t in a relationship want to change all of those things. These stereotypes occur because typically people who are happy are the exact opposite. They have a family and are in a healthy commitment with someone.

When going out with friends, there is the unwritten atmosphere of being amicable. That can change almost everything about a person if they put on a mask for the world. Peer pressure lives within our brains.

However, living life on your own can be very peaceful. It can teach you to be content with one’s self and all of the decisions made throughout life. Being alone shows how strong you can be; it also shows you how weak you can be. There is always something new to learn about yourself. Alone can mean true peace from this crazy world.


Watermelons were meant for school

Of course the last week of high school, the senior class is going to have some fun. My senior class was around 170 students all yearning to get out of the small suburban area. Everyone knew each other’s business; therefore, there was no such thing as a secret. However, this secret was kept.

With such a small school, one senior decided to make a groupme message with the entire class of 2017. This quickly turned into a roast session throughout the last week of high school. Everyone wanted to say things to each other they have been saving up. Luckily a few leaders rallied the troops to pull off a prank on the school that still makes me laugh.

Many ideas were thrown out, but the one that stuck out the most was bringing in watermelons and strategically placing them around the school. No one found out about the fruit until the day of. I walked into school and went straight to the bathroom to find  the first surprise in the sink. I knew this day was going to be one to remember.

Throughout the rest of the day, watermelons were hidden in teacher’s classrooms, restrooms, placed in lockers, and my personal favorite, rolled down the hallways in between classes. Some girl tried bowling with the watermelon in the midst of the busiest one. A teacher screamed at the top of their lungs at her, but had no effect.

The watermelons were everywhere. The teachers and staff confiscated all of the visible ones but some were hidden so well they might never find it. One teacher had the horrible job of reaching into a toilet to get the delightful fruit

Although that wasn’t official our senior prank, it was one that made the day more enjoyable. Some of the teachers ended up taking the watermelons home (not the toilet watermelons). The rest of them were saved for a senior picnic. How clever of them…